


I Remember You

by Kira_Dattei



Series: Developing Relationship Kinktober 2018 [8]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: AO3 FB Challenge, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Gap Filler, M/M, Remembering the Dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-28 02:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16232228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kira_Dattei/pseuds/Kira_Dattei
Summary: Kaidan gives the names on the Memorial Wall the time they deserve to be remembered.





	I Remember You

**Author's Note:**

> Day 8 of the Developing Relationship Kinktober is here.

Kaidan recognized that he still wasn't so great about dealing with losing someone, no matter how long he'd been a soldier or how heavily involved he was with the war efforts.

Kaidan stood at the Memorial Wall, dedicating some time he usually wasn’t able to convince himself to find to Normandy crew members who had been lost to the war. He’d already been there for about twenty minutes, going over the names from the SR-1 that he recognized while he worked himself up to looking at a few of the others.

In his position on the SR-1 as head of the Marine detail, he’d regularly dealt with everyone on the ship. He handled the little things that didn’t need to go any further up the chain of command, whether that had been to Anderson or Shepard. That meant regularly checking in with them for basic evaluations as well as seeing through any requisitions. Right now that meant he knew something about every single name that was up on the Wall now. It wasn’t just a gathering of names being represented, but each one held meaning with his memory.

That just made him feel extremely guilty that he hadn’t given them more time of remembrance, like they deserved.

Then there were the names that he’d only heard the stories about, seen the reports of. Mordin Solus was the one that really caught his attention here. He wished he’d been able to meet the Salarian who saw the worth of acting for the benefit of a race that hated him. Not only that, but he gave his life for what he believed to be right. Kaidan only hoped that in the near future both the Krogan and the Salarians would learn some lessons from Mordin and give him the acknowledgment he really deserved.

Along the same vein was Legion, though at least Kaidan had met him. He deserved so much better than how Kaidan had treated him. But Kaidan had let his feelings toward the Geth get in the way of seeing what Shepard did in the A.I. Hell, he’d accepted Miranda, Zaeed, and Kasumi easier than he’d accepted Legion and the Geth had been more in line with the type of personality he tended to get along with. He was supposed to be better than that concerning his opinions of other races, was supposedly able to judge individuals rather than apply blanket assumptions because they were this type of not human.

Way to get punched in the gut by the reminder he was only human and never immune to stupid mistakes he’d claimed to already have learned from.

He was working through the more difficult names to see now.

Because then he got to Thane. He’d gotten to know Thane relatively well while he was in Huerta. They had gotten the opportunity to talk very often because of Thane’s treatments meaning a lot of time spent talking. Kaidan was aware that the Krell had promised Shepard he’d look after Kaidan while he was in just about the most vulnerable state he’d been in since leaving BAaT, but that hadn't made him any less of a fascinating individual to share company and insight with. Kaidan had always felt privileged to have had the opportunity to get to know a truly remarkable man who had been shaped by experience into someone who just wanted to be better than his history without ignoring his past.

He had connected with a central aspect of Kaidan’s character and had helped the biotic rediscover parts of himself that got overshadowed by his responsibilities.

He took a step closer to the wall, reaching up to trace the name he’d needed to work himself up to, the name on the wall he’d been closest to, the one he still felt directly responsible for even as he knew he wasn't.

“You know Ash would kill you for the sentimentality,” Shepard’s voice spoke from a few feet to his left, so he would have likely come from hanging out with Garrus, knowing the man’s habits in passing time while in transit to missions.

“I know. Isn’t it always the seemingly easiest wishes that end up being the hardest to respect?” Kaidan mused, his fingers making another pass over ASH. “She was the first friend I’d made since BAaT.” He hadn’t actually admitted that to anyone.

Shepard came up beside him. “I figured after I got to know you. The way you two clashed at the beginning felt more like you were just trying to communicate on the wrong levels.”

“Pretty much. Ironic considering that we’re both direct people.”

“I think she suspected you were some kind of politician in disguise.” Kaidan shot Shepard a questioning look, who gave him a slight grin. “Didn’t matter how well you handled a weapon, you were too good dealing with being diplomatic and utilizing tact.”

“I’m pretty sure I did have to define ‘tact’ for her once,” Kaidan said: it had been a joke between them but it still happened. He let out a sigh then, his mood returning to somber. “No one on this wall has been remembered as they should’ve been by me. Then there’s the name that’s not there…” He let that remain open, figuring Shepard would understand.

He seemed to as he stepped up to Kaidan’s back and wrapped his arms around his waist, pressing his strong chest close to Kaidan, who leaned back a bit to accept the embrace.

There were both off duty, so who cared who saw them?

Not that the Memorial Wall was somewhere anyone started shit. It was pretty much guaranteed to calm people down as soon as they stepped in view of it. And it wasn’t like anyone on board actually cared that they were together.

“You know, Anderson told me this after Akuze. I was having a rough time coming to terms with what had happened. He said there’s no wrong way to mourn people as long as you don’t forget them. It’s when you never think of them that you lose your way and risk disrespecting their memory. Not coming here every other day doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten anyone. You aren’t letting her, Thane, Legion, or anyone from the SR-1 down. You certainly haven’t let me down, dead or alive.”

Kaidan considered this, thinking about if he had heard that before, figuring he had at some point through his life, having talked to plenty of therapists in a variety of settings. Then he realized that it wouldn’t matter if he’d heard it a million times; if he wasn’t ready to hear it he wouldn’t. It wouldn’t matter to him until he was ready. That's just how people's minds worked.

It being Shepard helped a little, as did it being something he heard from Anderson.

Kaidan closed his eyes and leaned his head back against Shepard’s cheek.

“I’d never forget you, Ash. And you were right: he was head over heels for me, too. And I should have done something about it sooner. You can ream me about it later.”

“I’d pay to see that tear-down,” Shepard muttered to the back of Kaidan’s head. “She could get commendations for that sort of thing.”

Kaidan smiled. This was a lot better than beating himself up because he was in a bad mood. “She’s easy to remember,” he noted.

“She really is,” Shepard agreed as they lapsed into a comfortable silence.

**Author's Note:**

> The next day for a fic with these guys will be on the 11th. Look forward to that one.  
> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed.


End file.
